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Social Retardation

15.2.05
So my last job was a mixture of a really cool gig, and really shitty management, and I left under pretty shady circumstances that seem to get shadier and shadier the more I hear back from some of the people I still talk to. No matter.

But one guy (who has no film background and is computer illiterate) called me out of the blue last week trying to recruit me for a new business, basically copying the thought behind my former job. I can't stand the dude, but if he's going to pay me, fine. Anyway, he blathered on for about 15 minutes, basically saying the same thing about twenty times, and I missed a whole quarter of a KU Bball game because I was too nice to cut him off.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. He calls at 8am. I don't answer. He calls at 5pm. I'm cooking. He calls at 6,7, 10 and 11pm. ON VALENTINE'S DAY! This just screams social retardation. Firstly, unless you're a good friend, I won't call before 10am, or after 9pm. It's rude. And what could be so gawddamned important that he needs to call 5 times in one day.

Then the last straw. He calls this morning at 7am. 7 am? You've got to be kidding me. Then after I let the voice mail pick up, he leaves a rather pissy message about how I'm not calling him back. Impatient much?

Happy Valentine's Day you sorry sad fuckers

14.2.05
I'm feeling good for the first time in a couple weeks. Been sleeping very poorly again, but crashed out last night after making dinner (gorgonzola stuffed chicken breasts with garlic mashers) and watching the new episode of Iron Chef America. I actually fell asleep before KT. I woke up breifly, and KT was laying in bed with the lights and TV on, folding the laundry that I haven't been doing.

The bad news is that I woke up about 3am and couldn't sleep anymore. So I got up and caught up on some football DivX's I hadn't watched (Chelsea/Everton from Sat., France/Swe and ARG/germany from midweek, plus BBC's Match of the Day 2) and still had time to clean up the kitchen and make breakfest for KT> Artichoke frittata and english muffin w/some coffee.

This is KT and my first V-Day as a married couple. I've always gone over the top, but this year we're going a little low-key. Mostly due to me still not having a job.

Already started cooking. Made a choc. mousse and a genoise. I'm going to make a sandwich with those then coat them in dark choc. Got a duck quartered and in brine. Going to steam the breasts, then pan sear them. Got stuff to make risotto, but I've got a while. Swiss chard. Wines for each course. Going to eat great tonight.

half finished thoughts and half lived lives

9.2.05
muddled thoughts that come from insomniac nights chased by caffeine-riddled mornings. I had all intents to get to bed relatively early last night, only to find myself obsessively checking boards that aren't occupied and listening to the same damn live version of E. Smith's "Twilight" about a hundred times. I could excuse myself the time if I had moved past speculating the best method to produce a portfolio CDR and actually begun work.

KT came into the other room. I laid shivering from a draft staring at a blank cable screen since I can't ever seem to get InDemand anymore. I had a hood up over my head, and I must have looked pathetic. KT cried for me, which I hate, because it makes me feel like there's something that's more wrong., worse than I think is the matter. I couldn't/can't/won't sleep not because I'm internalizing my feelings, but because I lazily ignore them. OF course after the episode in the den, bathed in the light of those ugly beige Mediacom menus, all I could do was internalize all the shite that I've been attempting to avoid.


It's Ash Wed. I suppose I might go to Mass this afternoon (after the US Men play Trinidad on ESPN2) I haven't been to church since the wedding, but while I liked the exposure, there's something hollow and unappealing to the Protestant experience. I love the intimacy, tradition and imagery of the Catholic Church, but I think marrying a protestant girl may have made me a Xerox of my father. internalized faith with an urge and desire to return to the church but too much self-consciousness to attend by ones' self. Maybe I'll get the bastard to go with me one of these days.

Rebirth renewal or just a fucking Re-hash?

8.2.05
broke. unemployed. unhappy. unfulfilled. bored. bothered. bewildered

Seems like the past two years have been a fucking circle. Just when I feel like something might be shaping up someone pulls the rug out from underneath me.

Current projects:
- straightening out my portfolio
- straightening out my professional website
- Constant car repair
- job search
- botching up my unemployment claim.

the past month has been flying by. every weekend is the same. escape the house. see the fellas. try not to drink. try not to smoke. try to make a fucking livable home.

someone please grab me by my lapels and slap the shit out of me until I get my head out of my ass.